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Quotes for training, personal development, and inspiration. Quotes provide helpful references and inspirational examples for business and life. These quotes below here are mainly funny as well as inspirational and motivational. Now moved to its own page, see the more serious collection of inspirational and motivational quotes for leadership, training, personal visualization, etc. Below remain some other famous quotes, funny maxims and sayings, also love quotes for writing and speeches, fun and amusement. Here are training cliches, maxims and sayings. Many of the quotations here are good training aids. Quotes help convey complex issues, and can be very memorable and attitude-changing. Some quotes are deep and meaningful; others deeply amusing, like the alleged quotes from letters to the council. While sources are checked and clarified wherever possible, authenticity for all quotes cannot be guaranteed - these quotes are not meant to be a historical archive, they're here because they are motivational, inspirational, amusing or otherwise helpful for teachers, learners, leaders and communicators. If you know the source of any of the unattributed quotes or sayings here please let me know so that acknowledgement can be given. Inspirational quotes for leadership and personal development are now here. See also the amusing real funny insurance claims, real funny Weakest Link answers, real funny Family Fortunes answers, and stories and metaphors for training and learning. Included in this quotes page are several principles and 'laws' which are helpful in business, management, teaching and training, for example:
See the (now moved) collection of more serious inspirational and motivational quotes. Please note that where quotations refer to 'man' or 'men' this is not intended to be discriminatory. Send your favourite quote, funny saying, funny sign, funny graffiti, training maxims, or inspirational metaphors. |
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These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad their own right some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy.
"..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."
"..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."
"..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."
"..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."
"..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."
"..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."
"..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant.."
"..I do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.."
"..I remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but I never kept the documentation I'm afraid.."
"..I cannot tell you the name of child A's father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.."
"..From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.."
"..Regarding the identity of child A's father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when Father Christmas came down the chimney.."
"..I do not know the identity of my baby's father. After all, when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.."
"..That night is a blur. The only thing I remember was watching a Delia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised.."
"..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a cement mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right.."
(From various sources. If you have other quotes like these please send them.)
(Translations have been adapted for the modern age where appropriate.)
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." (attributed to Lao Tsu, aka Lao Zi, legendary Chinese Taoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between 600-400BC)
"There is no greater happiness than freedom from worry, and there is no greater wealth than contentment." (attributed to Lao Tsu, aka Lao Zi, legendary Chinese Taoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between 600-400BC)
"People's tendency towards good is as water's tendency is to flow downhill." (Mencius, Chinese philosopher, c.300BC)
"Eat less, taste more." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"Failure lies not in falling down. Failure lies in not getting up." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"The higher my rank, the more humbly I behave. The greater my power, the less I exercise it. The richer my wealth, the more I give away. Thus I avoid, respectively, envy and spite and misery." (Sun Shu Ao, Chinese minister from the Chu Kingdom, Zhou Dynasty, c.600BC)
"Success under a good leader is the people's success." (attributed to Lao Tsu, aka Lao Zi, legendary Chinese Taoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between 600-400BC)
"Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others." (Confucius, Chinese philosopher, 551-479 BC)
"Softness overcomes hardness." (Zuo Qiuming, court writer of the State of Lu, and contemporary of Confucius, c.500BC)
"The greatest capability of superior people is that of helping other people to be virtuous." (Mencius, Chinese philosopher, c.300BC)
"A great man is hard on himself; a small man is hard on others." (Confucius, Chinese philosopher, 551-479 BC)
"Failure is the mother of success." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"It is not wise for a blind man, riding a blind horse, to approach the edge of a deep pond." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand." (attributed to Confucius, Chinese philosopher, 551-479 BC, however the origins of this quote are arguably from the writing of the Chinese scholar Xunzi, 340-245 BC, for which clearer evidence seems to exist. The origin of the quote attributed to Confucius is not certain. The Xunzi quote - which is more subtle and complex, and literally translates as: "Not hearing is not as good as hearing, hearing is not as good as seeing, seeing is not as good as mentally knowing, mentally knowing is not as good as acting; true learning continues up to the point that action comes forth [or, only when a thing produces action can it be said to have been truly learned]" - can be traced to an original work, but it seems the Confucius version cannot. It is possible that the Western world simplified and attributed the quote to Confucius, being a popularly quoted source of Chinese wisdom. Thanks K Bennett.)
"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask is a fool for ever." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"With a strong heart and a ready mind what have I to fear?" (Chu Yuan, aka Qu Yuan, Chinese politician-turned-poet, c.300BC - China's first great poet and considered the father of Chinese poetry, his death by drowning in 278BC is celebrated every year on the Day of Dragon Boat Festival)
"Half an orange tastes as sweet as a whole one." (traditional Chinese proverb)
"The wise man puts himself last and finds himself first." (attributed to Lao Tsu, aka Lao Zi, legendary Chinese Taoist philosopher, supposed to have lived between 600-400BC)
"He knows most who says he knows least." (Confucius, Chinese philosopher, 551-479 BC)
There is no point at all to this collection other than it's funny. Well I think it is..
New suggestions welcome, especially some names from more recent times.
With acknowledgements to the Secret Curry Society.
The words to the song 'Smile' are one of the great anthems for personal inspiration and belief. The music for Smile was written by Charlie Chaplin for his landmark film, Modern Times, released in 1936, although Smile's lyrics were actually added by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons in 1954, in which year Nat King Cole had the commercial success with the Smile song. Perhaps understandably the owners of the copyright for the words and music of the Smile song, Bourne Company of New York, refused me permission to publish the full lyrics and the music, although plenty of other websites seem to have the whole thing for free if you care to look for it (strangely it seems easier to get it for free than to buy it). There is actually a second verse which talks about lighting up your face with gladness, the need to keep on trying, and that life is still worthwhile. And for the musicians among you, you could try playing around with A, Amaj7, F#m, D/F#bass, Bm, F#, Bm, Dm, A, F#m, Bm, Esus4, E, and A, which is based on an interpretation by Eric Clapton (another story of triumph over adversity..).
Smile tho' your heart is aching,
Smile even tho' it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile thro'
your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come
shining through; for you.
Although Charlie Chaplin didn't write the lyrics to Smile, the words resonate strongly with Chaplin's inspirational life of challenge, tragedy, success, and ultimately global appreciation, which owed much to his difficult early character-forming years. The Smile lyrics, and Chaplin's life story, each provide in their own way a lesson for anyone seeking inspiration and personal fulfilment.
Chaplin was born in Walworth, South London on 16 April, 1889. His mother and father were stage performers, but were also tragic people, divorcing when Charlie was young. As a child Chaplin descended to the workhouse orphanage because his parents were unable to look after him. Throughout his life Charlie Chaplin struggled with challenges, some of his own making, while he strived and became one of the most successful achievers - in creative and financial terms - of the 20th century. At one time exiled and rejected by the USA for his political views, Chaplin was awarded the World Peace Prize in 1954, eventually welcomed back to America to receive an Academy Lifetime Achievement Award in 1972, and was knighted in 1975. Charlie Chaplin died on Christmas Day, 1977.
The words and music of Smile and Chaplin's wonderful films help to demonstrate that the power of personal belief, and a positive approach to life, can enable people to overcome all kinds of disadvantage, challenge and adversity.
©AC 2005. Inspired by Alexander von Humboldt's 'Three Stages Of Scientific Discovery', as referenced by Bill Bryson in his book, 'A Short History Of Nearly Everything'.
Not applicable of course to courageous early adopters of innovation everywhere.
Early adoption of innovation might not be natural to everyone - but it is an option worth considering, especially if you have a feeling that the present situation can be improved.
(Brits tend to say washroom or WC, which is an old abbreviation (of water closet) whereas Americans tend to say restroom or bathroom. That's not a funny quote, it's purely for information and interest..)
We aim to please, you aim too please. (Sign above a urinal.)
Antidisestablishmentarianism - easier done than said.
There are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.
There are three sorts of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't.
Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot.
RockShitFuckDie (Graffiti on the wall of a male washroom in a pub, and someone's idea of the meaning of life.)
Five out of four people can't do fractions.
I am neither for nor against apathy. (On the wall above a urinal in a men's WC at a university at the height of US social unrest in the 1960's.)
Beware of a man with a gleam in his eyes - it may just be the sun shining through the hole in his head. (Women's washroom graffiti.)
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. (Graffiti in a women's washroom.)
To do is to be - Descartes, To be is to do - Voltaire, Do be do be do - Sinatra.
"God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God.
Express Lane: Five beers or less. (Sign above a urinal.)
You're too good for him. (Sign above a women's washroom mirror.)
No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign above a men's washroom mirror.)
A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Sign in a women's washroom. In the US tyres would be tires.)
Beauty is only a light switch away.
At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
If voting could really change things it would be illegal.
Temporary notice on a public bar - "Our public bar is presently not open because it is closed."
And the old favourite found in Gents' toilets the world over, commonly added to any sign instructing visitors: Please do not throw cigarettes in the urinal... "....Because it makes them difficult to light...".
(Thanks for contributions J Kincaid, P Lewis, Tim Ryan, TC, CJ, MK, S Mafikeng, Pat, J Burland.)
Unattended Children will be given an Expresso and a Free Puppy.
(Thanks CB)
Used by trainers and speakers, here are some maxims and sayings, with one or two new ideas and twists.
The only place where Success comes before Work is in the dictionary. (Attributed variously to Donald M Kendall, US businessman and first leader of merged Pepsi-Co corporation; Vidal Sassoon, the British hairdresser and businessman; and Vincent Thomas 'Vince' Lombardi, US football coach. If you know more about the origins of this quote please tell me - Thanks JC Blachere)
If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean. (A specific maxim for the retail industry, but the principle of using spare time for productive purposes is transferable to all situations - thanks JCB)
Success comes in cans.
You are a time millionaire - for a rich life invest wisely. (Richard Andrews, KYT Stage and Screen Academy)
There is only one IF in LIFE - between the L and the E. (For next time you say "if only.." - Thanks R Andrews)
Dress code working-style indicators: jacket on = directing; jacket off = participating; trousers off = performing.
If you can't ride two horses at the same time you shouldn't be in the circus.
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
If a=1%, b=2%, c= 3%, etc., what does 'attitude' add up to? ........ (work it out - the answer is 100%).
'Mushroom Management' - The practice of keeping people in the dark, and every now and then dumping a load of dirt on them. (See McGregor's X-Y Theory.)
'Wheelbarrow Management' or 'Wheelbarrow Culture' - people only work when pushed, and are easily upset (as described by certain managers, who probably have only themselves to blame... again see McGregor's X-Y Theory).
Tell'em what you're gonna tell'em, tell'em, tell'em what you told'em. (Training and presentations mnemonic for effective presentation or speaking structure, in other words: introduction, content points, summary.)
When you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and Me.
There is no I in TEAM. (But if you look carefully there is a ME...)
No gain without pain. (Or better still, as Nietzsche might have said instead: 'No pain without gain' - see the Nietzsche quote below.)
Don't sell the steak, sell the sizzle.
(Or more fashionably today:) Sell the crunch not the apple.
(Or, a maxim for selling and sales training:) The buyer buys the seller not the salt.
(Alternatively:) The buyer buys the cellar not the salt.
Everyone gets butterflies - the trick is getting them to fly in formation. (See the presentations and public speaking training materials.)
The Devil's Dictionary was written by American Ambrose Bierce around a hundred years ago, and was first published as 'The Cynic's Word Book' in 1906. It was reissued as 'The Devil's Dictionary' in 1911, and continues to be published today. Its humour and irony still shine. In fact many of its observations perhaps resonate more strongly now than when Bierce first made them. Here are some choice examples of Bierce's wit, and interestingly for a writer considered to be such a 'cynic', these quotes are also examples of a touching sensitivity. These quotes still serve, as when they were created, to remind us that whether a thing is a force for good or bad is largely decided by the human factor. This is an encouraging thought, since the implication of this is that we have it in our power to change bad into good. I think Bierce would have agreed.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. (If you work for one of these be assured that there are more ethical and caring employers out there who would be more deserving of your efforts and loyalty.)
Duty: That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.
Experience: The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
Famous: Conspicuously miserable.
Land: A part of the Earth's surface, considered as property.The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society...... Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living...... It follows that if the whole aea of terra firma (Earth) is owned by A, B and C, then there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist. (How true, and how applicable today.)
Lecturer: One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience.
Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
Overeat: To dine.
Pain: An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
The pun (a humourous device exploiting two words or expressions sounding the same with two different meanings, usually with two different spellings) is one of the great wonders of the English language. For anyone who seeks to demonstrate the confusing nature of English words and phrases, these examples of funny and clever puns will likely serve your needs.
100% reliable contraception is inconceivable.
Serious campers are intense.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Sports people can avoid the pain of defeat by wearing comfortable shoes.
Nut screws washers and bolts. (Headline following a laundrerette sex crime)
Poetry written upside-down is inverse; poetry of very few lines is universal.
A girl who screamed and shouted for a pony got a little hoarse.
The carpenter's heavy tools were uncomfortable so he got a little sore.
Nuns generally wear plain colours because old habits never dye.
The days of the pocket diary are numbered.
Lions eat their prey fresh and roar.
Old bikes should be retired.
Geometry holds clues for the meaning of life; look and you will see the sines.
You can't beat a pickled egg.
If a leopard could cook would he ever change his pots?
See one melée of unruly people and you've seen a maul.
Do hungry time-travellers ever go back four seconds?
There seem to be various versions of this. This is a newer angle.
According to legend and the customary presentation of this item, the tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, presumably passed on from generation to generation (bear with me please..), says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education and the corporate world, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as (and updated here for the 21st century):
Adapted from various versions. Other suggested strategies are very welcome and will be added to the list if they are suitably original. I'm sure you have much better ideas than these.
Since first publishing this item (initially in a more traditional format) I have been pointed towards (thanks J Towers and G Caswell) a version which appears in H William (Bill) Dettmer's book Strategic Navigation - A Systems Approach to Business Strategy (ASQ Press 2003) Appendix F, Strategic Wisdom (actually Strategic "Wisdom"). Bill Dettmer's introduction to the 'Dead Horse Strategies' indicates that he did not devise the concept, and that it had existed for 'a period of years' (prior to 2003). If you know where the 'Dead Horse Strategies' or 'Dakota Tribal Wisdom' came from, or you know of its earlier usage (1990s or sooner perhaps) please tell me. Even better, if you have an old photocopy from an office wall please send me a scan of it.
On pain and stress and approach to life: "Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is... The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds." (Dan Millman, 21st century philosopher from The Way of the Peaceful Warrior - ack CB)
On Knowledge - "If you stood on the bottom rail of a bridge, and leant over, and watched the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you would suddenly know everything that there is to be known..." (Winnie the Pooh - allegedly - Thanks CM)
"He trudged along unknowing what he sought, And whistled as he went, for want of thought." (John Dryden, English poet and playwright 1631-1700, from Cymon and Iphigenia written in 1700)
"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth - more than ruin - more even than death.... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man." (Bertrand Russell, British philosopher, 1872-1970)
"Great men are they who see that spiritual thought is stronger than any material force, that thoughts rule the world." (Ralph Waldo Emerson, American philosopher and poet, 1803-82, from Progress of Culture)
"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." (The Holy Bible, Proverbs 23:7)
"What is life but the angle of vision? A man is measured by the angle at which he looks at objects. What is life but what a man is thinking of all day? This is his fate and his employer. Knowing is the measure of the man. By how much we know, so we are." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
"The mind is the man, and knowledge mind; a man is but what he knoweth." (Francis Bacon, English lawyer and philosopher, 1561-1626)
Irony is a powerful way to emphasise a point, and these quotes cover a wide range of subjects, aside from which they are all useful in illustrating extremes of attitude, bigotry and insecurity.
An ironic representation of heartlessness, the comedy character Karen Walker was played by Megan Mullally in TV's Will & Grace. The award-winning series was created by David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, and 29 writers were involved in the 186 episodes running from 1998-2006, which makes it a little difficult to attribute precisely these wonderful ironic quotes.
"It's not something you can just run away from like a hotel bill or a crying baby..."
"It's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency..."
(To a waiter) "Hey apron - who told you you could make eye contact?..."
"Husbands come and go but the Chanel slingback is forever..."
"It's Christmas, for goodness sake. Think about the baby Jesus... up in that tower, letting his hair down... so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dradel and see if there are six more weeks of winter..."
"Oh honey, that's just a saying, like 'Ooh. That sounds like fun.' or 'I love you'..."
"It's a cult, like the Moonies, or the homeless..."
"I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like 'maternal' or 'addiction' ..."
"You know what else is sad? Poor people who have dreams..."
"Oh yeah, honey, we're all lesbians when the right man isn't around..."
Other suggestions welcome. Perhaps for the Maryann character in Cybill too..
Do not try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. (Thanks A Menvell)
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Life is simpler when you plough around the stumps.
The trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. (This is a modern adaptation of the original quote by Oscar Wilde: "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more." - Ack I Mac.)
Don't corner something meaner than you.
Don't wrestle with pigs: you'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it. (Based on a quote attributed to Cyrus S Ching, 1876-1967, US industrialist and labour-relations pioneer, "I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.")
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens. (Probably based on an original quote attributed to Leo Buscaglia: Ninety per-cent of what we worry about never happens, yet we worry and worry. What a horrible way to go through life! What a horrible thing to do to your colon!" - Thanks Wayne)
(Thanks CB. All anon unless otherwise stated - if you know any of the authors please tell us.)
See Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements, and Cherie Carter Scott's If Life Is A Game These Are The Rules.
A Boss: Someone who's early when you're late and late when you're early. (Unknown)
It's the kind or organisation where the lunatic fringe extends right to the centre. (unknown - for disorganized organizations everywhere - ack TW)
Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself. (Ack J C)
Chinese proverb No1: Man who run in front of car get tired; man who run behind car get exhausted.
Chinese proverb No2: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
Bacon and Eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
HECK is where people go who don't believe in GOSH.
A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 1,000 times the memory.
Remember that half the people you know are below average.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Strange that psychics have to ask you for your name.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
(All anon., if you know origins please tell us. Some might be attributable to US comedian Steven Wright, in which case, my acknowledgements to him.)
"Computers in the future will weigh no more than 1.5 tons." (Popular
Mechanics, forecasting advance of science, 1949.)
"I think there's a
world market for maybe five computers." (Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM,
1943.)
"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad
that won't last out the year." (Editor in charge of business books for Prentice
Hall, 1957.)
"But what is it good for?" (Engineer at the Advanced
Computing Systems Division of IBM, commenting on the micro chip, 1968)
"There is no reason why anyone would want to have a computer in their
home." (Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp,
1977.)
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to
us." (Western Union memo, 1876.)
"The wireless music box has no
imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in
particular?" (David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920's.)
"Who the hell wants to hear
actors talk?" (HM Warner, Warner Bros, 1927.)
"A cookie store is a bad
idea. Besides, the market research reports say that America likes crispy
cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." (Response to Debbi Fields'
idea of starting the Mrs Fields Cookies business.)
"We don't like their
sound, and guitar music is on the way out." (Decca Recording Company rejecting
the Beatles, 1962.)
"Heavier than air flying machines are impossible."
(Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.)
"If I had thought about
it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples
that said you can't do this." (Spencer Silver on the work that led to the
unique adhesives for 3M PostIt Notepads.)
"So we went to Atari and said, 'We've got this amazing thing, even built
with some of your parts and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give
it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.'
They said 'No'. Then we went to Hewlett-Packard; they said, 'We don't need you.
You haven't got through college yet'." (Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs on
attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
computer.)
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and
find oil? You're crazy." (Drillers whom Edwin L Drake tried to enlist to his
project to drill for oil, 1859.)
"Stocks have reached what looks like a
permanently high plateau." (Irving Fisher, Economics professor, Yale
University, 1929.)
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military
value". (Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
Guerre.)
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." (Charles
H Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.)
"Louis Pasteur's
theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." (Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology
at Toulouse, 1872.)
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever
be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." (Sir John Eric
Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon Extraordinary to Queen Victoria,
1873.)
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates of Microsoft,
1981.)
"Fred Astaire Can't act, can't sing, balding... Can dance a little." (MGM telent scout, 1928.)
"What can you do with a guy with ears like that?" (Jack Warner, movie mogul, rejecting Clark Gable, 1930.)
"You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." (Jim Denny of the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville, firing Elvis Presley after his first performance.)
"I'm sorry Mr Kipling, but you don't know how to use the English language." (Editor of the San Francisco Examiner, rejecting a short story from author and poet Rudyard Kipling.)
And finally there is the story, seemingly based mostly on truth, that Fred Smith, the founder of the multi-billion-dollar FedEx carrier corporation, originally proposed the FedEx concept in a college examination paper - for which we was awarded a C grade. Smith has broadly confirmed this story in later interviews, albeit with a little uncertainty as to how specifically he presented the FedEx model, and precisely how the examiner expressed his indifference. It's a good story nevertheless, and helps confirm not only that great oaks grow from tiny acorns, but also how difficult it is to recognize a particularly good acorn before it's grown.
(With thanks to Tony Wills for his contributions, and also to Jim S for suggesting the Fed-Ex item.)
Larkin's words are a bitterly incisive comment on the negative effect that parents can have on their children. The words are especially relevant to understanding the potency of parental conditioning upon young children, notably in the context of Transational Analysis.
"They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad,
They may not mean to but they
do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for
you."
(For a wonderful antidote to the desperation of this sentiment, see the Thich Nhat Hanh quote about parents on the inspirational quotes page.)
This is commonly misquoted, typically as "Hell has no fury like a woman scorned," or more traditionally, "Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned," and other variations around this theme. Ask people if they know the quote. Very many will do, but not many will know the correct version.
As is often the case, the distortion largely fails to convey the meaning of the original writing.
'Hell hath no fury.." is one of the most widely misquoted famous quotations, and provides a fine illustration of the need to use appropriately robust reference sources when researching material that is prone to misunderstanding. The internet might be free and easy, but it is still not generally as reliable as a decent book of quotations and biographical dictionary, which can be found in most libraries. Libraries and proper books can also be a lot more interesting and enjoyable than sitting at a PC getting eye-strain and a stiff neck.
The full actual quotation is:
Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor Hell a fury like
a woman scorned.
These wonderful lines were written by William Congreve, 1670-1729, an English dramatist and poet, and appear in his 1697 play The Mourning Bride, Act III, Scene viii.
The quotation is also useful in discussions about revenge and retaliation, tit-for-tat, negotiation and business styles, game-playing, war and diplomacy, and the fine line between positive and negative relationships. Congreve's words focus on the female view, but the principle - especially the first line - is central to the behaviour of many people.
Sources: Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, and Chambers Biographical Dictionary.
"In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence" (Dr Laurence Peter, 1919-90, Canadian academic, from the 1969 book, The Peter Principle, written by Dr Peter and Raymond Hull - Peter was the academic; Hull the writer)
Far from being an indictment of people, Laurence Peter's ideas were mostly focused on the weaknesses of typical organisations, and the threat that they present to the well-being of their people.
Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull's 1969 book The Peter Principle is a study of hierarchies (Peter coined the scientific term 'hierarchiology') and how people behave within them in relation to promotion and competence. Laurence Peter also asserted that, "Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence", although he places the blame on organisations, not employees, and urges people to prioritise their health and happiness rather than struggle to meet the unhealthy demands of a promotion-too-far, in an uncaring hierarchy.
Although written in 1969, The Peter Principle contains perspectives that resonate even more strongly today.
Notably Laurence Peter observed that bosses who are competent in their roles tend to assess employees according to their output and results, whereas incompetent bosses tend to assess employees according to their input and adherence to rules and policies, etc. This remains a feature of poorly managed organisations and hierarchies.
Peter also suggested that 'super-competence' in an employee is more likely to result in dismissal than promotion, which again is a feature of poor organisations, which cannot handle the disruption. A super-competent employee "...violates the first commandment of hierarchical life: [namely that] the hierarchy must be preserved.." which again is symptomatic of poorly run modern organisations, just as it was back in the 1960's.
Peter also says of leadership in poor organisations: "Most heirarchies are nowadays so cumbered with rules and traditions....... that even high employees do not have to lead anyone anywhere, in the sense of pointing out the direction and setting the pace. They simply follow precedents, obey regulations, and move at the head of the crowd. Such employees lead only in the sense that the carved wooden figurehead leads the ship.."
Also included in Laurence Peter's study was his analysis of a survey of general practice doctors who were asked to list the most commonly encountered medical complaints among 'successful' patients. The survey results could easily be found in a modern survey, and included ulcers, colitis, high blood pressure, alcoholism, obesity, hypertension, insomnia, cardiovascular problems and impotence. Peter interpreted such complaints as evidence of 'constitutional incompetence' associated with what he termed 'final placement syndrome'. At the time, Peter bemoaned the fact that the medical profession failed to see the connection between over-demanding work responsibility and people's well-being. Today of course we understand that there is a connection, although the challenge remains for most organisations, and society as a whole, to focus seriously on dealing with the situation. As Peter himself says, "...Truth will out! Time and the increasingly tumultuous social order inevitably will being enlightenment.."
Laurence Peter's ideas of 1969 were keenly perceptive then, and regrettably remain so today.
"Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion." (Cyril Northcote Parkinson, 1909-1993, English political scientist, historian and writer, from his book, Parkinson's Law - The Pursuit of Progress, written in 1957.)
The fuller vesion of the quote known as 'Parkinson's Law' is:
"Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion, and subordinates multiply at a fixed rate, regardless of the amount of work produced.." (Cyril Northcote Parkinson, 1909-1993, English political scientist, historian and writer, from his book, Parkinson's Law - The Pursuit of Progress, written in 1957.)
Parkinson also coined other notable phrases of enduring relevance:
"Expenditure rises to meet income." (C Northcote Parkinson, 1909-1993, from The Law and the Profits, 1960.)
"The man who is denied the opportunity of taking decisions of importance begins to regard as important the decisions he is allowed to take." (C Northcote Parkinson, 1909-1993, from Parkinson's Law - The Pursuit of Progress, 1957.)
Known by various names, including The Pareto Principle, The Pareto Law, Pareto's Law, The 80/20 Rule, The 80:20 Rule, Pareto Theory, The Principle of Least Effort (a term coined by George Zipf in 1949 based on Pareto's theory), The Principle of Imbalance, The 80-20 Principle, The Rule of the Vital Few (an interpretation developed by Joseph Juran in the field of quality management) and other combinations of these expressions.
The Pareto 80/20 Rule is commonly used (and ignored at considerable cost) in many aspects of organizational and business management. It is helpful in specialised quality management such as six sigma, planning, decision-making, and general performance management.
The principle is extremely helpful in bringing swift and easy clarity to complex situations and problems, especially when deciding where to focus effort and resources.
The Pareto Principle (at a simple level) suggests that where two related data sets or groups exist (typically cause and effect, or input and output):
"80 percent of output is produced by 20 percent of input."
or alternatively
"80 percent of outcomes are from 20 percent of causes"
or alternatively
"80 percent of contribution comes from 20 percent of the potential contribution available"
There is no definitive Pareto 'quote' as such - the above are my own simplified interpretations of Pareto's 80-20 Rule. The Pareto Principle is a model or theory, and an extremely useful model at that. It has endless applications - in management, social study and demographics, all types of distribution analysis, and business and financial planning and evaluation.
In actual fact the Pareto Principle does not say that the 80:20 ratio applies to every situation, and neither is the model based on a ratio in which the two figures must add to make 100.
And even where a situation does contain a 80:20 correlation other ratios might be more significant, for example:
The reasons why 80:20 has become the 'standard' are:
Here are some examples of Pareto's Law as it applies to various situations. According to the Pareto Principle, it will generally the case (broadly - remember it's a guide not a scientific certainty), that within any given scenario or system or organisation:
Remember for any particular situation the precise ratio can and probably will be different to 80:20, but the principle will apply nevertheless, and in many cases the actual ratio will not be far away from the 80:20 general rule.
Such a principle is extremely useful in planning, analysis, trouble-shooting, problem-solving and decision-making, and change management, especially when broad initial judgements have to be made, and especially when propositions need checking. Many complex business disasters could easily have been averted if the instigators had thought to refer to the Pareto Principle as a 'sanity check' early on. Pareto's Law is a tremendously powerful model, all the more effective because it's so simple and easy.
For example, consider an organisation which persists in directing its activities equally across its entire product range when perhaps 95% of its profits derive from just 10% of the products, and/or perhaps a mere 2% of its profits come from 60% of its product range. Imagine the wasted effort... Instead, by carrying out a quick simple 'Pareto analysis' and discovering these statistics, the decision-makers could see at a glance clearly where to direct their efforts, and probably too could see a whole lot of products that could be discontinued. The same effect can be seen in markets, services, product content, resources, etc; indeed any situation where an 'output:input' or 'effect:cause' relationship exists.
Pareto's Principle is named after the man who first discovered and described the '80:20' phenomenon, Vilfredo Pareto (1848-1923), an Italian economist and sociologist. Pareto was born in Paris, and became Professor of Political Economy at Lausanne, Switzerland in 1893. An academic, Pareto was fascinated by social and political statistics and trends, and the mathematical interpretation of socio-economic systems.
Vilfredo Pareto first observed the 80/20 principle when researching and analysing wealth and income distribution trends in nineteenth-century England (some people suggest this was Italy; I say England, or Britain), in which, broadly he noted that 20 percent of the people owned 80 percent of the wealth. Beyond this he also noted that this 'predictable imbalance' could be extrapolated (extended) to illustrate that, for example, 10 per cent would have 65 percent of the wealth, and 5 percent of people would own 50 percent of the wealth. Again these other ratios are what Pareto found in this particular study - they are not scientific absolutes that can be transferred reliably to other situations.
Pareto then tested his 80-20 principle (including related numerical correlations) on other countries, and all sorts of other distribution scenarios, by which he was able to confirm that the 80:20 Principle, and similarly imbalanced numerical correlations, could be used reliably as a model to predict and measure and manage all kinds of effects and situations.
Thus while the very first application of the Pareto Principle, or 80-20 Rule, was originally in Pareto's suggestion that "Eighty percent of the wealth is held by twenty percent of the people," the principle was and can be extended to apply to almost all other distribution scenarios as well.
As a mathematical political and sociological innovator, Pareto developed other theories, for instance his 1916 book The Mind and Society predicted the growth of Fascism in Europe, but his most famous discovery was the '80/20' statistical rule that bears his name. Regrettably Pareto didn't live to see the general appreciation and wide adoption of his principle; he seems to not have been particularly effective at explaining and promoting the theory beyond academic circles, and it was left to other experts such as George Zipf and Joseph Juran to develop and refine Pareto's theories to make them usable and popular in business and management later towards the middle of the 20th century.
Italy or Britain?... Some people say Pareto's initial discovery of predictably unbalanced wealth distribution was based on Italy's data. I say it was England.
My chief source for stating England rather than Italy is an excellent book called The 80/20 Principle, by Richard Koch, 1997, 1998. Published by Nicholas Brealey. (A good book is generally more reliable than several websites, which are prone to copying content). Koch states (page 6 in the explanation of Pareto's first discovery of wealth distribution imbalance) that Pareto was "...looking at patterns of wealth and income on nineteenth-century England..." Koch continues, (also on page 6 in the explanation of Pareto's discovery) that Pareto also found that, "...this pattern of imbalance (the predictably unbalanced distribution of wealth across the population) was repeated consistently whenever he looked at data referring to different time periods or different countries. Whether he looked at England in earlier times, or whatever data were available from other countries in his own time or earlier, he (Pareto) found the same pattern repeating itself..." I also found these supporting texts on the web: "...The second is Pareto's law of income distribution. This law, which Pareto derived from British data on income, showed a linear relationship between each income level and the number of people who received more than that income. Pareto found similar results for Prussia, Saxony, Paris, and some Italian cities...." (Source: http://www.econlib.org/library/Enc/bios/Pareto.html) And the Wikipedia entry also seems to support the case for England/Britain rather than Italy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_index
The original Pareto source book is Cours d'Économie Politique (1896, 1897) - see http://cepa.newschool.edu/het/profiles/pareto.htm
On balance I think the websites and sources which state England/Britain as the first Pareto income distribution study are more likely to be correct than those which state Italy. Assuming this is the case I would guess that some people have inferred it to be Italy given Pareto's Italian parentage and early life in Italy, although his study leading to the 80/20 principle was carried out after he left Italy and moved to the University of Lausanne in Switzerland. He was actully born in France and only lived in Italy in the middle years of his life. Pareto's study was apparently carried out on income tax data. Perhaps British data was easiest to find. I expect his book would explain the reasons. If you know any more, or have a copy and can translate the original Cours d'Économie Politique, please tell me.
"The unit within the system with the most behavioural responses available to it controls the system."
This is also known as the law of requisite variety, and is nowadays central to the concepts of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), as well as being one of the most powerful principles for achieving a happy, fulfilled and successful life.
See the Cybernetics history and overview
"Perhaps it was right to dissemble your love, [dissemble means hide or
conceal]
But - why did you kick me downstairs?..."
(Isaac Bickerstaffe,
c.1733-1808, from An Expostulation, 1789.)
"Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures
prove."
(Christopher Marlowe, 1564-93, English poet and dramatist, from The
Passionate Shepherd to his Love. In this sense, the word prove means try, test,
evaluate - I'm sure you get the idea..)
" 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all." (Samuel Butler, 1835-1902, from from The Way of All Flesh, published 1903.)
"I am the Love that dare not speak its name." (Lord Alfred Douglas, 1870-1945, from Two Loves, 1896)
"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." (Bertrand Russell)
"Come, let us make love deathless." (Herbert Trench, 1901)
"And so to bed..." (Samuel Pepys not exactly written originally in a love context, but it works...)
"All's fair in love and war." (Francis Smedley, from his novel 'Frank Farleigh', 1850)
"Man's love is of man's life a thing apart, 'Tis woman's whole existence." (Lord Byron, from Don Juan, 1824.)
"Pleasure's a sin, and sometimes sin's a pleasure." (Lord Byron, from Don Juan, 1824.)
"Of all pains, the greatest pain, Is to love, and to love in vain." (George Granville, 1666 1735.)
"Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned." (William Congreve, from 'The Mourning Bride', 1697.)
"The nakedness of woman is the work of God." (William Blake)
"Wherefore there are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together let not man put asunder." (Matthew 19:6)
"The female of the species is more deadly than the male." (Rudyard Kipling, 1919)
"C'mon, baby, light my fire." (Jim Morrison and Robby Krieger, from the Doors' 'Light My Fire', 1967.)
"Amor vincit omnia." (Love conquers all - this timeless quote is first recorded in the introduction (first meeting with the pilgrims) of "The Canterbury Tales" by Geoffrey Chaucer (1343-1400), the satire about religion and human hypocrisy. The story has it that the quote was written on the back of a (particularly valuable looking) medallion worn, ironically, by a nun, referred to as 'The Prioress'. (Ack CLB)
"Ad infinitum." (Endlessly)
"Aeternus." (Everlasting)
"Meminerunt omnia amantes." (Lovers remember everything - Ovid)
"Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris. Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior." ("I hate and I love: why I do so you may well ask, but I feel it happen and am in agony." (Catullus, Roman poet, 8454BC, from 'Carmina'.)
"It's so long since I had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom." (Joan Rivers)
"Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the postion is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable." ( Lord Chesterfield)
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." (Sasha Guitry)
"Splendid couple - slept with both of them." (Maurice Bowra)
"My wife is a sex object every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson)
"She was stark naked expect for a PVC raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves." (Keith Waterhouse)
"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night." (Woody Allen)
"It's impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it." (Winston Churchill)
"I'll come to your room at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me." (Tallulah Bankhead)
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty years - if my wife finds out she'll kill me." (Henry 'Henny' Youngman)
"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."
"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."
"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."
"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
More of these funny quotes now appear on their own page, which makes it easier to find them and link to them. See the letters to the council page.
These quotes are now on the inspirational motivational quotes page.
The inspirational quotes page includes wonderful inspiring quotations for learning and teaching, with helpful notes, such as:
Anthony Seldon's wonderful quote about what education should actually be and do for people.
"Cerca Trova" - meaning Seek And You Shall Find - see the fascinating origins of the Cerca Trova saying.
The Mandela Speech myth quote - "...We are all meant to shine, as children do... It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone..." This is part of an earth-moving quotation commonly wrongly attributed to Nelson Mandela, but who actually wrote it?
The 'Everybody Somebody...' famous poem about responsibility - see the various versions and a probable origin.
The Guy in the Glass poem - also known wrongly as The Man in the Mirror - see the proper version and origins.
The Serenity Prayer - "...Give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed..." - versions and origins.
Come to the Edge - another immensely powerful yet commonly unattributed misquoted verse - original version and origins.
The Success poem - "... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived..." - an inspiring and moving description of what success in life actually means - alternative versions and history.
"Thich Nhat Han's wonderful quote about responsibility and being a grown-up - irrespective of our up-bringing.
"If you're not part of the solution..." - Probably you know the complete maxim, but what is its origins?
Booker T Washington's fine quote for defining personal success.
"Standing on the shoulders of giants..." Wonderful quote, much used, rarely attributed - versions and origins.
"The Captain of My Soul..." Stirring verse by Henley, for inner resolve, courage and determination, etc.
"What does not kill us makes us stronger..." Nietzsche's quote is actually an extremely meaningful and powerful concept.
The above quotes and lots more similarly inspiring sayings are on the inspirational motivational quotes page.
See the motivation webpage for explanation of why quotes and sayings inspire people, including yourself, and how inspirational quotes stimulate motivation and self-belief, and promote self-development, personal growth and fulfilment.
"I only came to the interview to confirm my feeling that I should never have been called for the interview.."
"I was handling a market research project on accident prevention, but I couldn't interview any of the target respondents because they were all dead.."
"I am not married to either a man or a woman.."
"Pressurising people is all part of giving customer satisfaction.."
"At my present company they are all bastards including my boyfriend who I met there.."
"The water in your washrooms is exceptionally wet today.."
(apparently from the Chiropodists Association Journal)
I'm under the doctor and can't breathe.
I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.
I can't breathe and haven't done so for years.
I live five miles from the clinic and the postman says I should have it.
I have got athritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.
I am unable to walk now as my dog has died.
I cannot drive a car because I haven't got one.
My husband's dead and won't bring me.
I need transport as I have funny feet.
If my mum goes out alone she gets into trouble.
I must have your man as I cannot go out or even do up my suspenders.
When your man brings me back could you ask him to drop me off at the White Swan.
I hope you will send your driver as my husband is quite useless.
My wife must have transport as she is over 80 and drives me mad.
I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to your clinic is up.
I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.
Also known as the 'consort's clangers'..
(1967 When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union) "The bastards murdered half my family.."
(1981 A comment during the UK's recession) "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.."
(1982 To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5% a year) "You must be out of your minds.."
(1984 On receiving a gift from a Kenyan native woman) "You are a woman aren't you?.."
(1986 To a group of British students in China) "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed.."
(To a Cayman Islander) "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?.."
(c. 1990 To a British expat in Hungary) "You can't have been here that long, you haven't got a potbelly yet.."
(c. 1990, attributed, allegedly when replying to a question as to what type of work he did) "I am self-employed.."
(1995 To a Scottish driving instructor in Oban) "How do you keep the natives off the booze for long enough to pass their test?.."
(1998 To a student who'd trekked in Papua New Guinea) "You managed not to get eaten then?.."
(1988, in The Observer) "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than wife, but they are doing the same thing.."
(1999 On seeing a fuse box while being shown around an Edinburgh factory) "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.."
(2002 To a school band in Cairns, Australia) "You were playing your instruments weren't you?, or do you have tape recorders under your seats?.."
(2002 To an Aboriginal man on Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park) "Do you still throw spears at each other..?
(2002 Commenting during the Jubilee tour) "If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.."
(2002 Commenting on the London traffic debate, after mayor Ken Livingstone forced through his plan to charge motorists £5 to enter the city) "The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism we could stop the congestion.."
(Summer 2002 Aboard the floating restaurant 'Il Punto' on the river Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English breakfast) "French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent English breakfast.." (Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy..)
(2003 visiting a school, asking a tubby little boy what he wanted to be when he grows up, and being told, 'an astronaut') "You'll have to lose a bit of weight first.."
Not recommended for use of course - rather to illustrate how not to do it..
"Takes him two hours to watch sixty minutes.."
"Gargled from the fountain of knowledge.."
"If you stand close enough to him you can hear the oceans.."
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change.."
"If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection.."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.."
"When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately.."
"He would argue with a signpost.."
"He's been working with glue too much.."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime.."
"He doesn't have ulcers but he's a carrier.."
"Got a full sixpack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.."
"When she opens his mouth it seems that it is only to change feet.."
"Not so much of a 'hasbeen', more of a definite 'won'tbe'.."
"I would not allow this employee to breed.."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.."
"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.."
"This person has delusions of adequacy.."
"Since my last report has reached rockbottom, and has started to dig.."
"Sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.."
"Has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.."
"Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.."
"You are on the crest of a slump." (this one thanks to Eric Welburn)
"The lights are on but nobody's at home.."
"The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.."
Send your favourite quote, funny saying, funny sign, funny graffiti, training maxims, or inspirational metaphors.
Please note that where quotations refer to 'man' or 'men' this is not intended to be discriminatory.
See the other quotes and stories resources, including:
now moved to its own page, the more serious collection of inspirational and motivational quotes
air traffic control and pilot funny quotes
real funny Weakest Link answers
real funny Family Fortunes answers
and other materials for training and learning on the main businessballs website, if you are not already there.
The use of this material is free provided copyright (see below) is acknowledged and reference or link is made to the www.businessballs.com website. This material may not be sold, or published in any form. Disclaimer: Reliance on information, material, advice, or other linked or recommended resources, received from Alan Chapman, shall be at your sole risk, and Alan Chapman assumes no responsibility for any errors, omissions, or damages arising. Users of this website are encouraged to confirm information received with other sources, and to seek local qualified advice if embarking on any actions that could carry personal or organisational liabilities. Managing people and relationships are sensitive activities; the free material and advice available via this website do not provide all necessary safeguards and checks. Please retain this notice on all copies.
The poem 'Come To The Edge' in the inspirational quotes is ©Christopher Logue.
The poem 'The Guy In The Glass' is ©Dale Wimbrow, 1934.
'Smile' lyrics are ©Boune Co, NY.
© (collection) alan chapman 1995-2008